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"Ever felt like Screaming, Howling at the moon and Ripping yourself right out of your skin?"

   "Have you ever felt like Screaming, Howling at the moon and Ripping yourself right out of your skin?"


If the answer is 'Yes' Then you are not alone! This is exactly how I am feeling right at this very moment!
I am very close to the woods and how lovely it would be just to run wild there and do just that!
I wonder why things need to be so complicated!??? I am into Damage Prevention!
So why the hell do things still go wrong?

I must say that as I am  writing this, my mind is perplexed and my inner spirit is not at all jiving with what I know to be correct.
I know, you have been following my Blog and it usually gives you something to think about  or even get mad about!
This time, I am writing without thinking about the words first. This is as Raw as I can get with who I am and how I am feeling inside for this particular moment. I am NOT depressed. I am FED Up!

I worked so hard to have all that I have today without any help or support from anyone, until lately.
Perhaps, it's just this moment that I am feeling this horrible desire to leave this place  called earth.
Perhaps, I am just Sad about a few things. Perhaps, I am feeling self pity for the sacrifices I made that did not make an ounce of difference except Hurt and Loss in my own life.
Yes... I have many other Perhaps to consider.

Right now,I don't feel so human-like. I don't feel Human at all! I feel like an Alien Beast that is about to lose its control.
People are just so stupidly ignorant, inconsiderate, lazy and a bunch of selfish toads!
I am not sure what I will do tonight, but something weird is going on inside my mind.
I have always done my best to blend in and co-operate but that Polite trait is long gone.
Piss me off and you will be accountable!

I wish I could tell you exactly everything I want to say but you will have to settle for tid bits because that is all you are worthy to get!

This innate instinct is getting stronger with its desire to expose itself....
Shall I  allow it?
I mean, Really... Can you imagine me Howling at the moon and shredding my clothes off while holding  you down under my feet?
Are you afraid or excited with fear and lust? Would it be worth it to you, to see such a sight that most do not get to a chance to behold?

What if it were the last thing you get to experience, will it still be worth it?...

Masterbaker...Having My Cake and Eating It Too!

"Loneliness and how it can destroy even the Strongest of the strong" Part Two

If you read the first part of this Blog, I mentioned that there was an antidote to 'Loneliness'...

There are a few things one can do to battle this in a constructive way.
I write from experience and it is only my opinion, so if you do not agree, then we can agree to disagree.
I am not here to be your counselor.
I am merely trying to pass on something that could help you understand some things in a different way.

I had mentioned that I never knew loneliness until the day I met that Special Someone who showed me that my way of dealing with things were special indeed.
He showed me that I was not the only one who had the standards that I did, who most people could never meet in ten lifetimes. It felt great to have someone know me without doubts.

Prior to this, I lived my life joyfully doing many things on my own like travelling and being creative.
I was a home body and never cared to meet men or have a boyfriend. They were too much trouble to deal with! The jealousy and insecurities were not worth the so called Sex! LOL:)
In my world, if I had to be drunk in order to feel good then it was a false reality!
I have been told stories of where my friends have woken up with the opposite sex during a supposedly wild and passionate night of sex... But when asked,  "so how was it and why was it so good?", their answers were always the same: "I was really drunk, so I don't remember much of it!"

Well holy macaroni shit! If you cannot remember then I certainly do not believe it was that great and what is the point of doing such things when you won't remember it the next day anyway?
This made me somewhat of an outcast in a way. I had no problem with that as I was not the type who needed sex or attention to gratify my time.

One of my so called antidotes to this, was being creative with whatever was constructive and something that could one day make a difference in my life and in others. I made a mental list of the endless possibilities I had in accordance to the talents I had. I used positive mental Projections and took emotions out of the equation.

I made my home, a home that I wanted to dwell and relax in! A place I could be proud of.
It did not matter where I went, I decorated and made it a homely environment. I would go on trips equipped with different scarves, that I could drape over lampshades and candles to add ambiance along with my favorite music.
I loved the sense of 'Being Alone'.
To me, it was freedom! Freedom to do what I wished and to think in silence or out loud.

I would do a Dress-up night where a limo would pick me up and take me to a fancy restaurant to dine alone. I would book a table for two and pretend to get stood up by my date and chuckle inside as I watch the rest of the people at the restaurant judge me! LOL:)
Yes, it sounds strange and a bit wacky but I always found a way to entertain myself, all on my own!

Loneliness and Boredom only happens when you are bored with yourself!
Heck, I used to spend hours putting on make up. I would apply then take it off and repeat until I could come up with something more creative than the usual!
I also would clean and organize my closets and paperwork. Shine all the chrome around the bathroom and kitchen etc.
Do you get what I am getting at? Staying busy, constructive and creative are good ways to never get Lonely!
Then there is television, which I was not fond of. I felt it made my brain lazy, so instead of that, I took up reading, working out and learning how to play musical instruments.

There are so many things one can do to beat Loneliness.
As the title states, "Loneliness and how it can destroy even the Strongest of the strong"... is so very true!
A loss of a loved one or of a pet can do that to the best of us!
I know because that happened to me when my dog Maza was killed with my two cats.
I wanted to die!
Actually, I am sure I would have, if  that Special person I told you about was not there to remind me, that if I believed, the best is yet to come.
The Loneliness I felt from losing my Daddy to losing my 3 pets were more than I can bear!
I had to Focus and Remember how loneliness worked in people's lives!
It is Sneaky!

My suggestion to you if you are going through Loneliness now, is to Focus on the Joy you remember best!

Use the Past!
Use the happy moments even if they might bring tears. Bleed every ounce of that Loneliness out by spending some time figuring out why and what it is that triggers that emotion out of you!
Yes, money helps get rid of loneliness for a bit, but at the end of the day...
You are still You and Loneliness is still your shadow, if you do not defeat it.

I could go on and on about this subject but I am not writing a Self-help book here. I am merely sharing myself and my thoughts with you.
Until next time...

Peace to All!

"Loneliness and how it can destroy even the Strongest of the strong"

Someone once asked me, Latia... Do you ever get lonely?
I had to really think about it because I wanted to answer the question sincerely. After about 30 seconds while thoughts forayed my mind as I looked at my friend in the eyes, I had to answer "No".

He smiled and said that he did not figure so, because I was always busy working towards something. I thought it was quite perceptive of him to have thought that. Not because of my being busy all the time, but because of the very thought of him knowing I was always working towards something. 

Even as a child, I cannot remember ever being bored or lonely.
I enjoyed my time alone. I loved thinking and making little plans, even though I knew that my plans would never be exactly as I planned them. I knew how to entertain myself without being around others to give me attention. 
I, just like you have the need to be appreciated. However, I was never the type that needed the attention just to be noticed. 

I always wanted the opposite. I wanted to be invisible, free to walk around and have fun watching the rest of the world. Even when I was in the microscopic eye of the public, I was difficult to find or pin down. I was elusively polite and politically correct. 
However, anyone who knows me will tell you that unless you have me interested in a conversation that is filled with deep meaning, you will be able to predict my disappearance within five minutes.

I spent time with many people and even laughed at their jokes. 
I enjoy it sometimes but I enjoy the silence of being alone much more.
I went shopping on my own, went out to dinners and movies by myself. I even rented limos and treated myself to operas and symphonies!

I would never have guessed that someday, 'Loneliness' would enter my emotional data base!
Well it did! 

It did the day I met someone very special who showed me that 'Love' knows no limitations. He showed me that Love can hurt and make one afraid of losing and of death. He showed me that it was possible to enjoy sharing my deepest thoughts without being judged.
He also showed me that it was okay to be laughed at, when it is out of Love. 
He showed me many things I never cared for nor bothered with in the past, but I now understand to be a crucial part of being really human. 

I had seen 'Loneliness' destroy the strongest of the strong before, and it was always too sad for me to feel, so I intercepted and eradicated all possible intruders that had 'loneliness' attached to it!
I thought I was different. I thought I was in control! 
I suppose, I was. 
I was in many ways, that most would not dare to fathom. 

I was, until I took my armor off to accept that illogical emotion called 'Love' and I do not mean superficial love but the one that is full of intimacy and spirituality.

I always knew it was supposed to be that way but I never wanted it, in fear of this exact emotions that I feel now within my soul.
I am happy but oh, so lonely whenever I am apart from him. 
The connection is always there, no matter what I do to try and forget or stay busy. I have even tried being angry! It does not work!

I do not know where the future will take me but I know this...
Without him in my life, I will have to battle 'Loneliness' more cunningly than the other battles I have had to fight in the past.

I had wished once that we never met but I was in denial then. 
Alright, I was not in denial, I was in hope that I could be in denial! :)

Do not be discouraged, if you are feeling my words to be yours. There are perks that come along with this emotion. 
No, not drugs; alcohol or sex dummy!

I am talking about new Dreams and new Hopes! 
A new Tomorrow.

Yes! There is an antidote! There are many things you can do to dance the beat of 'Loneliness'...
But you will have to check back my Blog for that info later! 
Stay tuned and be Brave!

Peace to All!       
          

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