Friday, May 29, 2015

"The Anguish that comes with Losing oneself"


                                           " The Anguish that comes with Losing oneself "

This is a serious topic and a topic, that I never thought I would have experienced in my own life.

I was well trained in the Discipline department. I was Tenacious. I was Resilient. I was Talented.

I was focused, had direction and determined. I was always the odd duck, doing everything by the

book that my codes were written on. I suppose, Life can get each one of us through our weaknesses.

Mine was always about Helping someone... So much that I almost did not exist to myself.

Sad to say that, between Betrayals and Abandonment, I got worn out!

Losing three of my dearest friends, who loved me more than I can bare to acknowledge, hurts!

What happened to my great attributes? Where did they go? Why did I Abandon myself?

So many questions and for every answer, there were ten other questions...

The Anguish, that I speak about is not Hating oneself, but the very thought of having lost oneself!

The 'How' was easy to figure out. I Decided I wanted to be like everyone else: Not give a shit!

The 'Where' did the attributes go, was also easy to track down. They are all still inside me.

However, The 'Why' did I abandon myself is the Million Dollar question.

There was no question that I loved and respected myself, so why?

A few of my theories are that, perhaps, I was feeling sorry for myself.

I always believed in 'Doing' right by others at all costs, but came to a realization that nobody

really cares. about Me caring about Them!

My heart was always Golden and full of love for the less fortunate and the ones, who most

people judge according to their bullshit standards.

Was I afraid to be Me again and have to be understanding and forgiving like I was before?

Was I just sick of the Fakeness, that I was exposed to in the name of friendship?

Was I, for the first time in my life feeling Regrets?

If these words you have been reading, seem to hit a spot, Please listen to me...

The first change was decided by you and only You, can change it back or change things for the better.

You must search deep inside your heart and soul until you find the 'You' that walked away...

Chase after yourself until you become whole once again.

I wish I had better advice but I am only as far as what I wrote in the last sentence.

I am chasing myself, but my old self feels betrayed and abandoned by me, so she is using her

talented gifts, to elude me! It hasn't been easy because I am deeply wounded at the moment.

However, If it's the last thing I do, I will find myself again and Heal as a whole.

Everybody has a cross they must carry. I have carried so many crosses for others and for years!

Now, it's time to carry my own damn cross! I must wisen up and pick up the pieces that were left


The image I used was created by a very beautiful and talented friend of mine, who drew my face

very well and maybe, she knew something, most do not know about me...

I love the Rain and one day, I would love to dance with the one I love under the rain!

I hope that the others, who might be feeling something similar can draw something positive from


Remember, we can always choose which aspects of ourself to express to the world!

Sometimes, all we need is to spend time with ourselves, by ourself!

Sometimes, all we need is to be naked under the rain, and let it wash our sorrows and pain away...

Peace to All :)


Saturday, April 4, 2015

"It's sad when people forget how hard you worked to be a self-made success, then only have judgement for you, when things go wrong"

"It's sad when people forget how hard you worked to be a self-made success, then only have judgement for you, when things go wrong"

I have never been a real Prideful person but a person with Self-Respect. I have never sold myself out and do not believe in cashing in on someone else's misfortunes! Having said that, I find that too many of my so called friends have taken advantage of my Good Heart and have never had a second thought about what i have done for them with every inch of my fiber!

I am not angry but very disenchanted with the word Friendship...
To me, it is a serious thing to call someone a Friend! In my life, I have been through too much disappointments in this area and I really don't care to say that word 'Friend' anymore.

Friendships seems to be a licence to take advantage of the good hearted.
I have my Tattoo Artist friend, who is a Giver, and everytime I come in to see her, she tells me
Not to pay! She always remembered when I helped her for free, many years ago. That is good enough for me! My reply to her was always "Friendship, is not a License to take advantage of your good heart, so now tell me what I owe you"

It's not that I think I am so wonderful, I just think that it is the correct thing to do!
Call me crazy, but I will not change my ways because the rest of the world are assholes!
I know there are many out there, who have the similar Spirit and Heart as I do and one day,
I believe I will cross paths with them. I have a person now, that I cannot wait to see because I know she is the same way. She is not selfish nor greedy and is such a lovely person to exchange ideas with.

Tonight, I was told by a close family member to basically join the crowd and give up my self respect by getting a regular job. This is the 2nd close family member, who has said this to me, forgetting that I used to work 3 Regular jobs, in order to Compete! I climbed the ladder with no Support and I made it all on my own!

Tonight, I write this not because I am angry but because I am hurt that I am only appreciated, when I am at the top of my game! Friends? I have had friends, who wrote me off without any explanations and yet, I forgave them! I was good to them, so it is not my problem and they will have to deal with the guilt! I have had friends who used me and my time over and over again, yet I have forgiven them!

I still talk to everyone of these asshole friends until today! Why? Because I feel sorry for Them!
I remain polite and always will but to spend time with them again?
I will do that but only via memories!

If you are going through the same thing as I am, well... You are not alone and my best advice is to
Succeed, Make a good life for yourself and Help them out, when they need cash! That is the biggest slap in the face you could give them!

I am going through a Life Changing experience and I'll be damned if I join the rest of the crowd and lose what I worked for so hard... Self Respect and Self Worth!
Whatever you do for work, if you are being mistreated? Tell them to Fuck Off and move on!
Cash will always find its way in your pocket!
The most important thing is Self Respect and Self Worth!

Happy Easter weekend and Peace To You All!        

Friday, March 6, 2015

"The Difficulty of Losing a Loved one..."


                                                   " The Difficulty of Losing a Loved one "

I am pretty much an expert at experiencing Deaths, but to be honest? There is no coping with losing

a dear friend, who must as well be Family!

Today, I found out about my Dearest female Friend and Mentor, Karmela.

Even that name, alone tells you how beautiful she was! I admired her and looked up to her.

She loved me, because she understood me and I understood her.

I had never met anyone else, who gave as much and was envied by so many for no reasons!

What made our relationship so special, was that we were so similar, even with our past experiences

and mistakes! Uncanny...

We had the same Codes of conduct and beliefs. It was amazing!

How am I coping? Not so well! Here I am. Feeling so much sorrow and guilt that I was not there

at her side! I guess, crying and is one way of coping. Tomorrow, I will go see her old house, where

I used to visit her and just reminisce and cry , if I must...

The poison of Guilt and Sorrow must be dealt with as soon as possible or it can fragment your mind.

I just wanted to write this little bit to express my support to those, who have lost others in their lives!

Just a few months back, last July, I lost my Male Mentor to suicide!

Sometimes, it is so hard to be strong for others, who depend on me. I am getting very tired and worn


I wanna say Thank You to those, who have been at my side mentally, physically and spiritually

during every time, I lose a dear friend!


I hope I can do that for Karmela; for Alan W.; for Jeff (aka Teacher); for Ray Beaulieu and for those

friends, who still Believe in me!  Thank You again for all the Love and Support!


Thursday, January 15, 2015


“Who Am I? = I Am You!”

My name is Latia Del Riviero, and this book is about my life as best as I can describe it.
I was not sure if I needed to write a Preface, but I suppose it could do no harm. Let this serve as a warning
that there are many names mentioned in this book that you may not know or care to read about, but
you ought to.  Furthermore, this book is not a self-help book, but merely a wake-up call in hopes that
you will think about consequences and options before taking any action you may have in mind at any
given moment. I would like to stress the importance of accountability and paying attention to details.
The names are there because they are an integral part of making ME who I am today.
I’ve given credits to my idols as well as mentors. I have also included excerpts, which are important to
read if you really want to know me and how I related to others, it’s your choice.
This book is short by comparison to some, but they are all true stories that I am sure you will realize, 
if you  pay attention to how it relates to other parts of the stories here told.
The first day when I decided to write this book, many laughed at me and thought I was joking.
I never joke about what I want to do, and will do. It took me seven years to finish the book, as there
were many names and dates to remember. That is why the excerpts are important.
This book is dedicated to every person I have ever encountered and had the pleasure of connecting
with. I hope that this book will bring some enlightenment into your life. I hope my story will enable you
to help yourself, and others from experiencing any further pain and confusion that may come from
hurtful experiences. One can never do enough ‘Good’. We all need a Mentor... That Mentor is You!

Thank you for believing in me, and for taking your precious time to read my story. I hope you enjoy it.

                                                                " My early Awakening "

I would like to personally thank each one of you for taking an interest in my story, however, I must warn
you that what your eyes will read could be hazardous to your laziness! My story will surely make you
laugh, feel sad, angry, justified and highly motivated! I want you to take a few minutes out before you
read this.
OKAY ? So if you are ready, let me begin at the very beginning...

For as long as I can remember, my childhood years were filled with sadness and loneliness. I was born
physically frail, but even more frail emotionally. I was what you would call a ‘Mommy Clinger’ and a
‘Thumb-Sucker’. I needed to be picked up and held all the time. I was scared to be left alone, which
must have driven my Mom insane at the time. According to my mother, I got better as time went by,
and I was the type of kid that was easily pleased as long as I was busy with something creative. She saw
I had some talent, and hence, my Mom got me involved with a dance group. I joined a Tahitian and
Hawaiian Dance Team. I was a very shy and quiet kid that rarely spoke. I remember the first time I had
to perform in front of a live audience, I was about five years old, and I was terrified.
I was easily intimidated by the other kids who were so confident and exited to be onstage. I went
through with the performance, but forgot the moves, and the embarrassment that I felt is still in me
today, as if it just happened yesterday.
I was always obedient except for when I got pushed by an adult or another kid. I never reacted with
tantrums like other kids would. When I lost my temper, I was like an adult who spoke with spiteful
words and facts. I would throw the words like daggers at the one who might have abused me one too
many times.
I had a lot of anger at the young age of five. I kept it in check most of the time during my childhood
years because that’s what I was trained to do.

I will never forget the very first real party I attended. My Mom was working for this wealthy family who’s
kid was turning thirteen years old. The girl’s name was Sally. Sally hated me because to her, we were
just peasants that worked for her family. My Mom did a lot of work for her family, and her step-dad
really liked me. He saw that my Mom did not have much, and that I had the same old ugly doll when
ever he saw me. Being the nice man he was, he decided to give to my Mom by giving to me. He bought
me a new doll every time he traveled. Sally hated that. Therefore, in order to take the joy away from
me, she would make sure that I would become the laughing stock of all her friends during the party –
at my expense.
My Mother was a dress-maker/tailor, so Mom decided to make me a beautiful dress for Sally’s party.
It was a Chinese dress that involved having to sew a lot of buttons from the neck part of the dress to
the bottom of it. Mom was very busy that day, and she told me that she would quickly sew the
buttons on my dress after she finished preparing the food for the party. I saw her place my dress along
with the buttons on the counter. She made sure to wrap the bag of buttons, needle and thread into
the folded dress. Two hours go by, and it’s now time for my dress to get the buttons sewed on.
My Mom unfolded the dress, but my buttons were nowhere in sight. We looked everywhere, and my
Mom felt quite disturbed as to how they could have gone missing, but I was an easy going kid, so I
told my Mom that it was ok that the pretty buttons couldn’t be on my dress. I told her that she could
just use the safety pins, after all, what choice do poor people have ?
I knew my Mom felt bad about it, so I tried to be tough by pretending I was not disappointed.
My Mom really didn’t have much choice but to use the safety pins, so she pinned them from the inside
of the dress, and I was content with that. After all, I was not the birthday girl, but only the maid’s
daughter to be blunt. I was proud to wear the dress that my Mother made! Buttons or safety pins,
The dress was pretty and I was excited to show it off. I went out to the garden where the rich guests and their kids were. I stayed far enough away from them but close enough that I could watch the rest of the
kids play and admire their fancy clothes. I was quiet and shy and was minding my own business, when
Sally, the birthday girl, called the rest of the children to tell them about my ‘stupid dress’ and how poor
we were that we could not even afford we had to use safety pins ! The children laughed at
me and made fun of me, while pointing at me as though I was some clown in a circus.
I thought to myself, that’s funny...we asked Sally about the buttons, and she claimed she never saw
them, so how did she know what the buttons looked like?
I can remember that experience as if it happened ten minutes ago. I am crying as I type this out, because
the humiliation from all the kids laughing and saying hurtful words to me was my first great awakening
in life. I wanted to cry, but instead I held my head up high and went to the darkest corner where there
was a wall. I faced that wall and pretended I had a friend to talk to. You see, I did not know anything
about God.The only thing I knew was that we were poor and that no one liked or valued me except my
Mother. At the tender age of five-six years old, I made a promise to myself, that no one would ever
laugh at me or humiliate me again the way those kids did. I talked to the wall and told that wall that
when I grow up, I would be special and unique. I’m not sure which words I used, but it is what I meant in
my heart.
As for the rest of the party which lasted for hours, I stayed hidden...not because of shame, but
because I knew if I went out and the kids tried to make fun of me again, I would lose my temper, and
would retaliate. “NO!” I said to myself. “Time will be my friend, I will wait and I will show them later
when I grow up...I will show them all !.”
That experience was imprinted in my soul forever. At that early age, I made a decision that when I grow
up, I would always strive for success, and never judge anyone who did not have as much as I did.
I believed that I would accomplish much one day. Hard work and patience would surely get me there.
I looked forward to getting older and learning much about life. I was focused on conquering all of life’s
obstacles, even at that early age, I already knew the meaning of the word ‘BATTLE’.

 I however did not know how strong of a soldier I could become, but I knew I was brave enough to do my
best if I push myself. (Not bad for a shy little five-six year old kid.)
I was used to humiliation. My cousins teased me a lot, even the kids in school. I even got beat up a lot
because I would not fight back. I always kept a ‘Poker Face’, because I knew if I ever cried in front of
them, then they would always target me.
One little girl in grade two had the nerve to disrespect my Mom by saying that she was probably a
prostitute...that was the first time I let my temper fly ! I jumped out of my desk and beat on her!
The results of my actions were not so good. My Mom got called in and she was ashamed of my
actions. A double shame on me! I tried to explain my side of the story, but my Mom at the time was
angry that I could be so un-lady like. To her, I behaved in such a manner that she felt I was the one that
needed discipline. She made me stand in front of the whole classroom, and slapped my face. I could
not even cry, although I wanted to, because I knew my Mom was making a point more than just the
slap. I did not hold that against her, but it did take me a little while to understand it deep inside.
My Mom loved me more than life itself. She wanted me to learn a valuable lesson that even when
trying to defend another’s honor, I myself must hold my own honor  first.
She explained later that I must never lose control of my emotions in public, as there will always be
repercussions afterwards. I never forgot those words, and the first twenty-four hours after the 
incident seemed the longest. However, the following day came, then weeks, months, and finally
years...somehow the pain from the lesson I learned that day did subside.
I grew into a lovely sixteen year old, who had a driven nature.
Being driven is a start, but I was full of fear and confusion. Now I will be brutally honest with you, as
most people who know me would swear against what I’m about to tell you...
I am by nature very lazy and indecisive. Sure, we can use the age and the immaturity as an excuse, but
I will tell you now that I hate excuses and I don’t use them!! Better a true bad day than a fake good day... 

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